That Deep Need Within

Last night, I had the extraordinary privilege as I stood down in front of the church stage, to pray with a family of five just after they accepted Christ as their Lord & Savior. A joy-filled husband, wife and their three beautiful, middle school-aged children joined hands with one another and with me to thank Jesus for forgiving their sins and for welcoming them into everlasting life.  It was my first time praying with such brand-new believers and I was completely blown away by the awe and humility of the moment. I still am.

What's even more miraculous about it is that five years ago, I didn't believe in God.  In fact, if you told me in 2008 that the summer of 2013 would find me a Christ-follower working for the Evangelism Pastor of a large and vibrant church, or that I would be openly praying with people and discipling them with an earnest heart, I would not have believed you. Well, that's putting it nicely.

Sometimes, I still can't get my head around the journey I've been on with God.  From the time I was 12 years-old, I always had a longing in my heart for a life that was more than what I knew.  More than anything, I dreamed of an adventure straight out of the movies that would pull me from the angry hopelessness I was mired in and change life irrevocably. 

Years later, I tried to make my own adventure by running away to college in Maine where I had a mostly-wonderful experience. But there was still a deep, painful sense of aloneness in me that no amount of clean water and mountain backdrops could satisfy. In 2005, exhausted, broke and broken-hearted,  I returned home to IL feeling utterly deflated--like I'd missed my one and only chance for a different kind of life. In 2009, I fell in love and ran away again--this time to Dallas, TX with a man I thought would solve all my problems. But the reality of our life there was not what I planned and that sense of aloneness only grew until I could no longer pretend it wasn't the driving force in my life.

It would take yet another return home to the state I'd been so desperately trying to escape and about a year of being discipled and loved on by several dear church friends, before I would realize all my running and striving and scheming were never gonna bring about the life I desired. That was the moment of surrender for me.  I finally had to acknowledge that nothing I could do would be enough to fill the need inside.

After a lifetime of orchestrating to meet my need or trying to force others to meet it for me, I had to consider the terrifying (to me) possibility that this "God-person" I'd been avoiding for so many years might be the only one who could actually do it.  The idea I might have been designed to have this need--that it wasn't a bad thing or a liability as I'd always viewed it, but rather, a craving God placed in my heart so I would intuitively seek Him--didn't occur to me until much later.

So, as I stood at the front of the church last night, looking into the eyes of five brand-new believers, I was overcome by seeing them begin to understand what they've been chasing all along is now theirs for the asking.  Whatever drove each of them on their own journey to that moment in a crowded auditorium, they took that leap of faith together and surrendered everything to the One who has been waiting to show them how completely He loves them.  Moments like that remind me I still have so much to learn about what it means to love and be loved.  Five years ago, I would never have imagined the life I have now.  So, I can't fathom where walking with God will take me in another five.  But I can't wait to find out.